I just have to say that I am really , really, really tired of being here, and being sick, and being consumed by this fucking shitty disorder.
It’s been almost a month and I’m still not even allowed to do yoga. Which is one of the most frustrating things ever because I feel like I’m huge , gigantic, certainly large enough to start doing exercise! But my dietitian still says I have to wait. Maybe next week.
I’m having a lot of body image issues still - I feel like the biggest, fattest girl here. And I still struggle with every fucking meal. It’s hard, so hard. I’m just sick of being here, I’m sick of being sick. I’m sick of living with this eating disorder. I want to be free. Free of these obsessive, negative, critical thoughts that plague me at every meal, every minute of the day.
My only worry is that I’m not ready for change. I still have thoughts of killing myself and I still struggle with self harm. I still am itching, absolutely itching to go back to my ED. I’m scared that I won’t be able to make it through recovery. I’m not strong enough, I won’t be able to do it… I just don’t know. I’m incredibly ambivalent about recovery so far and I’m just so fucking scared. I wish this was easier.
little update i guess… things have been really hard lately. but I feel like they’re always hard.
I’ve been self harming a lot while in here in residential… I usually hit/punch my forearm with my fists or a rock and it’s been leaving nasty, ugly bruises :/ I’m trying to stop but I literally have had all my coping skills taken away. I can’t cut, I can’t restrict. I don’t know how else to cope. I’ve been trying to keep busy with art or bracelet making, but it’s still really hard.
Every. single. meal is a fucking struggle. The only motivation that I have to finish them is so I can go on outings, because being cooped up in the house while everyone else gets to go out and have fun doing some activity is no bueno. But I hate hate hate eating, I hate myself for eating, and my mind is just screaming at me with every bite, every forkful of food i put in my body. I can’t express in words how much I really , truly hate my body. and my body image is getting worse the more weight that I gain.
AND I’m still not allowed to exercise. thats what really fucking blows. I am just sitting around in groups, eating, not expending any energy. I’m not that thin, in fact I feel enormous, but god dammit I want to be allowed to do SOMETHING! But, a small part of me likes being told that I can’t exercise because my weight is too low. So when I CAN exercise, I will be both happy and disgusted with myself for gaining weight. It’s a lose/lose situation.
Idk. Things suck right now. I’m having lots of suicidal thoughts, and I’m still struggling a lot with the food, which makes me think that I’ll be here for awhile. We talked about ECT, shock therapy, which is something I may be desperate enough to try if things dont get better… for now, I’m just trying to keep my head above the water.